Thursday, August 11, 2016

On Losing Friends

There are a couple of online friends who I no longer have contact with.

One has disappeared from the online community as far as I can tell and no longer responds to emails.
I think of her often and hope she is doing well and hope that someday there is some contact from her.

The other one hasn't responded to my attempts to contact her for 2 years now.  At first I thought she had decided to remove herself from an online presence.

But a few months ago I saw that she was still(or had returned to being)online.
I had been seeing someone commenting on a few blogs I also frequent. Her writing and phrasing seemed familiar and I finally figured out it was this second online friend who had stopped communicating with me.

These blogs she was commenting on were not the kind I would have seen her on previously so I deduced that she was going onto my blog roll at some point and found these particular blogs there.

Her comments on these other blogs linked back to a new blog she had begun and by reading a bit there I confirmed that yes, this was that online friend who evidently didn't "need" me in her life any longer.

At first I was hurt that for the last 2 years she had just ignored my attempts to be her friend.
I did a somewhat large favor for her "back in the day" when her life turned upside down.  Knowing now how our relationship would turn out I would still have done this favor for her given the opportunity again.

It's funny that through this action I brought her into contact with the person who is her current BFF.
I am glad to have helped her in this way too.
But beside that, it would have just been plain old common decency to have written back to me and said I don't need your friendship any longer instead of ignoring my attempts for TWO years!
That's what really be treated so callously, like I don't matter as a person.

It is said that people come into our lives for a reason and leave when they are no longer useful to us.
I guess that's true.
This "no longer my friend" person talks on her blog about hoping the people she's hurt can forgive her.
Well they just might if she were to communicate with them directly and tell them she is sorry.

It's one thing to ask a higher being for forgiveness when we wrong others but there is also owning up to the person you have hurt to ask them for forgiveness.  You can't do one without the other to truly heal your soul.  Giving something up to God without also making amends with those you wronged is just empty and won't ultimately assuage any guilt you feel.

Maybe she is not emotionally strong enough to face someone she has hurt, I don't know.
Or maybe she doesn't view me as someone she has hurt and I am not even worth her consideration and she is totally unconscious to this hurt I feel.

I do know that I am tired of making an effort and getting radio silence.
I am moving on now with my life and she needn't worry about me bothering her again if she or any of her current friends are reading this.

I won't be sharing her blog information, putting her new blog on my roll or visiting her blog since she seems to not need/want me in her life any longer.
Continuing to seek her out just seems creepy to me and stalker-ish.
And that's not my style.

I wish her only the best.
And some day I will get over the sadness I feel.



  1. That's a really tough one. And very hurtful. I'm not sure why people do such things but you've handled it well. Time to move on....

  2. Well, that sucks. I have "friends" offline that have done the same. I always felt like I had to try 75% harder than them so I stopped and the friendship just went away. Apparently they weren't who I thought they were - that is the part that hurts the most, thinking I got snowed by someone for years.

    1. Cheapchick,
      I have that happen, too. It is almost like they did not realize you exist once you quit being the keeper of the friendship.

  3. I sort of think I know of whom you speak.

    In the last two weeks I have lost a male friend, platonic and always will be. There is a woman we both cannot stand. He told her he was no longer coming to the Tuesday lunches because I call him all the time and want something. I did get him to take me to the Eye hospital ONCE. He makes plans for me to take him to tests where he is sedated.

    He complains all the time that this woman begs, BEGS, him to sit with her and her husband. He said that is why he won't come to the lunches again.

    Now, she is telling everyone at multiple places that I am the problem, the reason he quit coming to the lunches.

    I called and told him he had to fix this, come and sit with me for the next two months, so she would quit talking about me. He started screaming about all his problems and how busy he is. He does not work, putters around the house, visits his wife in the nursing home a few miles from him.

    I told him he threw me under the bus and she is wrapping me around the axles. He screamed about how busy he was. I told him he could just go confess and the priest would take away his sin toward me and he would think that was all there was to making things right. Right for him, still hurt and wronged for me.

    The thing is, he is always so happy to find about another freebie for seniors when I contact him.

    So, being ignored sounds really good to me right now. It is amazing how people treat true friends. I am sorry for your hurt.

  4. I think that sometimes when you are able to really help someone in a way that they desperately need they don't know how to reciprocate. I don't know if it is pride or embarrassment, or they don't know how to say thank you. They just slowly leave. I do believe that this person is your friend and loves you dearly and has distanced herself for one of these reasons. To her you have it all together and she does not. If she continues to let you into her dilemma you will continue to either help or give up on her which I am sure many people have. It is easier for her to let go than face either of these scenarios. I mean let's face it Sluggy you are the master money manager and these are financial blogs. But believe me she still loves you.

  5. So sorry. I have dealth with that online as well and it just sucks. Makes you feel like you aren't worth what you thought and makes you doubt the effort you put into the relationship. What I can say is that is is the other blogger's loss. Those who are true to themselves and offer a real glimpse into their lives are those that will stay true to friendships. Sorry you are having to go through this.

  6. I think it's differnt online- I'd just move on which you are doing. I have found it's harder to make new friends as you age and I'm not very good at reaching out to the old ones. I've just moved too many times! I also find as I age I just don't have the energy to be around folks who are too conservative for me and they probably say the same about my liberalism. I've always advocated for folks who didn't have my advantages and have probably been too hard on my family members/friends bcause they did have them! You seem like a real caring friend and mother.

    1. Nan,
      I am way too liberal for most people I meet, conservatives all.

  7. I know who you are talking about. Don't feel bad, Denise. I got the same treatment also.
    At points like this in my life, I often think of this statement Jesus said, when he was dying, nailed to the cross:
    "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."
    Our mutual friend has been through a lot. Forgive her, for she knows not what she do.
    Peace and love to you, Denise. You truly are a magnificent person with a heart so generous and true.
    I love you!!!! LOL!!

  8. Long time reader here (4+ years?) and I also read that blog (she had quite a few). After visiting one of your sidebar blogs, I too noted familiarity in a commenter's response in the post the 'sidebar' blogger made. It took a few posts on this 'no longer a friend's new blog for me to know... Although this person has been very open about their fragile state and 'new' beginnings...for lack of a better word - I cannot (and I don't even know you or this other person!) give her the views. Or a comment. Perhaps because, after 16 years of what I thought was a warm relationship myself with someone...they dropped me COLD. S.I.X.T.E.E.N. years. Y'know. The kids grew up together. Sleepovers. That sorta thing. And then...absolutely no warning - radio silence. I wrote an email asking if it was so difficult not to say she 'needed a break ala personal reasons'? And told her it was cowardly. I really did. And I hurt over it for years. I'm ok now. Thinking of you and proud of you for this post. It is perfect.

  9. Replies
    1. I was wondering if this was about Judy. I recall her blog and loving it. Then she was gone and I always wondered about her.

    2. Can anyone please share jury's new blog address with me? I would like to pop over but have no way of finding it. Of course we don't know for certain it's her but would like to see for myself. Thank you very very much. Great blog slug.

    3. See Amy's comment on this blog post for Judy's new blog addy.......

  10. Obviously you were friends with them but they were not friends with you. And the thought at the beginning of your post is true. Yes it hurts.

  11. I am mulling this one over. I have been the dropped online friend as well as the 3D world friend but I have only had it happen with an axe blade and silence twice (Once online and once IRL) . It did smart both times for a bit but then I realized I no longer felt anything.
    I do think sometimes interests change and friendships drift but I agree it is best to at least say your adious and move on rather than dead silence
    I also think you have to decide you are better off without a relationship that is totally or mostly one way. In my next life I am going to learn these things earlier!

  12. I have no idea who you are talking about, but it makes me sad. You are lovely and deserve better. :)

  13. I've been trying to write something comforting, but I'm terrible at that sort of thing. I think the other people that commented did a much better job than I could do. Sending you hugs.

  14. Sorry you are hurt, Sluggy. ((hugs)) sent to you. I am totally guessing that this is about "J"-if it is, I am so sorry, you were there for her, and then some. I miss her, her posts, her wear with all when it comes to dealing with adversity. Life has handed her more than her fair share to deal with. : (

    1. I agree with everything CTMom said (I read her blog religiously!) and am deeply sad that J disconnected. I felt that I learned a lot from her about perseverance and dealing with the older and the younger generations and crock pots!

  15. So very sorry sluggy. Some people just do not know how to communicate, especially if they want to close a door. I hope you know how many people in realtime and online appreciate and love you.

  16. I've read your blog (but neglected to comment) and hers as well. If she was brought into your life to teach a lesson I think it was you can't help everyone. And some people will always create a new train wreck if they climb out from under the previous one.

    People are also being way kinder to miss J than I would be inclined to in your blog. Even though it hurts you're better off without her. She's a user even if she doesn't realise that is what she does. I'm not saying she's a grifter just that (and this is only from her blog) she is someone that always seems to be rescued. That isn't your responsibility.

  17. I don't know who you are talking about, but I am sorry for your loss of friendship with her. I know it hurts to lose a friend. Hugs and good wishes to you.

  18. Sluggy: I'm sorry. I've been there. It sucks. you seem very thoughtful (I'm still so grateful for the comics you sent me.) I can only suggest you focus on those who appreciate you and want you in their life! *hug*


  19. Maybe there's a reason she didn't reach out and wanted to sever ties or she wanted to put a time in her life behind her. I don't think she's owes you anything. You don't know what this person is feeling or thinking. That said, I'm sorry it has brought you sadness and I wish you the best.

  20. I finally caught up with a friend this week. I'd say it's been at least 6 months. Due to a variety of reasons (voice mail on my phone doesn't seem to work & she is the only person who leaves voice mail instead of texting), I had no idea that she was in the area visiting, etc. And honestly, I've not been a great friend. I felt absolutely terrible yesterday when I heard about how challenging the past few months had been for her, and how she felt like I'd not been there. Which, I hadn't. Luckily for me, she's a sweet & forgiving person, but sometimes as friends, we drop the ball. In my case, I was willing to deal with the fallout & try to put the pieces back together, but sometimes people are so embarrassed by their own lack of response that, after a while, they assume you won't forgive them & move on.

    You may also represent a time in their life when they needed help, and maybe remembering that is hard for her. We are all flawed, for sure. Stay strong & forgive!

  21. For five years I listened to my sister every night for several hours. Her husband passed away. She struggles with CFS- a very real struggle. She sold things and moved. I did lots of travel to help.
    One day I got very upset. My mom was going to cut her out of the will unless she produced a will of her own. In sheer exhaustion, I yelled at her over the phone.
    That was four years ago, not a word since. Occasionally she hints that I could write and apology letter to her. When I did- she then ripped me to shreds.
    So, sometimes it isn't bad to have people leave your life when they are ready to move forward. I know that my sister sees me a part of her ugly past.
    About a year ago, I moved on.
    It hurts- but more like an ache then an open wound.

  22. I'm so sorry to hear this, Sluggy. I have read both of your blogs for years (time is going by so fast!!). I have had people cut me out of their lives and it is painful, it really is. I'm sorry I spilled the beans on her blog; I didn't know the backstory! Have a great weekend.

  23. Sluggy, you are superwoman to me. For real! I admire your budgeting and saving savvy so much. I love how you've lived so wisely and are able to have all these traveling adventures now and you know you're my genealogy/ ancestry studies icon.

    I have a huge flaw because I honestly expect to get hurt by people. Serious trust issues... but I still cannot comprehend how anyone could just cold turkey cut ties with a friend (except for a child who does not comprehend relationships). I'm sincerely sorry that you've been hurt. People are so odd, all of us, we're odd. I suppose it's good to know that you still have a lot of online friends that aren't going anywhere anytime soon :)

  24. Just catching up after taking a bit of a break. I understand how you feel Sluggy, after investing a lot in maintaining a good friendship it's tough and it hurts when that is not reciprocated. I don't pretend to know why this happened, I don't, but hope the hurt doesn't linger too long.

  25. Been a long time reader of your blog (3 plus years) but I don't comment much. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can HEAR the pain in your words and can understand what it's like to lose someone you felt reasonably close to.
    Also, it was weird, but even BEFORE reading the comments, I knew in my heart of whom you were speaking because I DO remember the close relationship you two seemed to have - at least it seemed that way very much on her blog - which must add insult to injury for your heart.
    Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you. BUT, you can at least find peace in knowing that you were there for a friend when they needed it and it sounds like you would do it again. THAT, dear SlugMama, is a wonderful and rare trait to have! Hugs...

  26. Sluggy, I am so sorry someone treated you that way! I know I have not been around much, well at all regularly, but I do try to check in. And if you emailed me, I certainly would not ignore it. It is so rude to do someone that way. You are better off without someone so inconsiderate.


Hey there! Thanks for leaving a comment.
All Anonymous commentors will be deleted.
Please include your name in your comment, or choose the 'Name' option and put your name or whatever you call yourself, in the box. Thank you.

Though I moderate it's partly to keep trolls at bay but also partly so that I read every comment. I don't often respond to comments so if you need me to answer you please write me at my email addy posted on my "About Me" page, linked on the side bar.