Thursday, March 24, 2011

In a Bad Place......



I apologize if I haven't been posting much......or been my usual perky cheerful self(that part was sarcasm folks). ;-)
But stuff that's been going down lately with Daughter's college admissions/financial aid stuff has me in a bad place emotionally.  Let me rephrase that.....current difficulties in this area have brought up alot of suppressed emotions and events from my own life to the surface and that's why I am in a bad place.  The current 'stuff' we are dealing with sucks but I know we'll get through it.  It's the specter of my past that's been raised in my own head that's got me wanting to just go throw myself into a hole and die.

My family seemed pretty normal until I hit my teen years(yah, my parents were fairly good at keeping up appearances)and for too many reasons I can't list here, it spiraled into quite the disfunctional disaster zone.  And it continued through my college years and beyond, shaping me in ways that people should not be shaped.  Under my sarcastic exterior lies one broken damage bill of goods.
So yes, I am one of those people you meet in life with a lot of emotional baggage.  Mostly due to lack of parental support in all ways conceivable. If not for my Hubs and his unflagging love and support, I don't know where or what I'd be at this point in my life.
I guess I should go find a therapist and pay them to sit and listen to my tales of woe at $200 an hour.
Hubs sympathizes but he has no patience for listening AGAIN and AGAIN to me rehashing all this stuff when I find myself in this bad place every few years.  And he just doesn't "get it" really since he came from a totally different world where things like what I went through didn't happen.  And I sure don't want to burden my kids(even though 2 of them are adults now)with what haunts me because well, that wouldn't add anything positive to their lives now, would it?
So I just suffer silently and go to this bad place when life events bring it up again and relive these painful times alone.

Gawd, this is getting depressing even for me!lol  I'll stop now before anybody who's still reading this goes and takes a razor to their wrists. 8-P
I've thought about writing a book about my life.....no, I don't think anybody would pay good money to buy it!  I just think it might be cathartic to get it out on paper.  It might help me get past some of this stuff to deal with it in that way.
When I'm feeling a little better maybe I'll carve some time out to scribble down my thoughts.....

Anyway, this was all just my much too long way to let y'all know I may not be posting much in the next week or so.
I am going to put up a Giveaway soon but other than that I'll be off in my dark corner sorting through my baggage.  Hopefully one day I'll be able to declutter some of that as well as the physical baggage hanging around here! ;-)

Sluggy

10 comments:

  1. Slugmama,
    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This is the reason I haven't been posting or commenting much lately. I've been in and out of the "dark place" for the past few months. I truly don't think I would still be here without my husband and kids. I finally went to a therapist last summer--it did me so much good--of course, I only had to pay $25 an hour with our insurance--otherwise, I wouldn't have gone. I pray you feel better soon. Take care.

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  2. :( As the always responsible, hardworking, studious & invisible oldest child of 5, I too lacked parental support. My parents were too busy babying my 3 brothers (btw, underachievers to this day). You are in my thoughts. Sending positive supportive energy your way BIGTIME. I will truly miss your humorous, sarcastic posts this week...and remember, you are not alone...you have many loyal followers :)

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  3. You've told me some of your story, so I have an ever-so=vague idea what's up. I hope you are feeling better soon.

    And while you're sorting, I could use a good roomy overnight bag...I might be going on a road trip soon. :P

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  4. sluggy, typing one-handed, no, onefinger and in pain. i, too, can relate so well because of my rearing. however, when my mother told me about her life, it did not harm me one bit. i am going to blog about the past and childhood and life with the ex, the preacher, anonymously, of course, so children do no read the brutality of theri father right now. blogging about problems could be cheaper than therapy and helpful to others. your children need to know who you are. they may understand you better...off now for pain med, something for the swelling, and cortisone. hope to see you back soon and in a better place, mentally.

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  5. I think you SHOULD write it down. It might really help. Plus, talking to a therapist could really help, too. Or a support group. You might even be able to find an online one. Hugs to you, dear Sluggy.

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  6. Take all the time you need for yourself! You are the most important thing!!!!! Hugs to you1

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  7. Dearest Sluggy I do hope you are feeling better. I too don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't found my guy and his family. They continually amaze me with their normalcy and are what I consider "my family." But no matter how much that helps, there are still scars from my own. You have to remember that wounds can heal, but scars are forever. And physical scars are more likely to get irritated than undamaged skin. No amount of therapy would take away your scars anyway.

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  8. I'm SO sorry to hear you're in a dark place, too. Maybe it this time of year or something. I think you and I need to steal a car, drive across PA, hitting up every friggin Rite Aid along the way, like Couponing Bonnie & Clyde or Thelma & Louise (but with a slightly different ending, thank you).

    I hope you feel better soon!!! (selfishly, I hope I do, too).

    (((((Sluggy))))))

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  9. I love you sluggy and I understand what you are saying more than you will ever know. The thing is with a traumatic childhood, you just have to accept it. We lived though what they did to us but they live with it. You are a strong and intelligent person but your worse enemy is you. What advise would you give to someone in your shoes? Take your own advise and move on. Live your life knowing that you are better than your parents because you didn't make your kids live the same cycle.
    I love you.

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  10. You are not alone. We are all scrambled eggs on the inside. Some people hide it better than others. My motto in life is "this too shall pass" and it will. Force yourself to walk through the challenges that are before you because really, there is no other choice. Know that you have friends here rooting you on and praying for blessings in your life. We all go through times like this.Hang in there. Much love to you.

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