Saturday, January 6, 2018

A Missive From Sonya Ann


I told her she didn't have to share all this but she wants to and I said I'd post it on my blog so here is Sonya Ann, in her own words..............

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Hello everyone, its Sonya Ann here. I wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone that has included me in their prayers, sent me a card/money. You have no idea how much your love and support has helped me. I would especially like to thank sluggy. She has been a saving grace in this mess I call my life. Her kind words, her support, and her generous use of the F word has helped me through one of the darkest times in my life. I love you.

Where to start? October 12th was our 23rd anniversary. October 13th was Den's birthday and October 15th, Dennis told me that he wanted a divorce. I asked him if he was cheating and he wouldn't answer. I guess now the baby cards that we were getting in the mail make sense. I ignored my gut feeling for a very long time. I've stopped doing that now. He went to his parents on the day that he said he wanted a divorce. They found/hired/paid for the best law firm in the area. I never received a call from them. After a month, I blocked them. There was nothing that needed to be said at that point, I know where I stand with them. I have been a 2nd class citizen in their family from the beginning, why would it change during the divorce. I guess my blog was about what I wanted to see, not what the truth was. I found a lawyer and then fired that lawyer. He laughed and scoffed at me. He said with a snicker, you know that he has been planning this for a long time.

Anna and DJ have been wonderful. I have asked God over and over, why I suffered through so much pain. But seeing the kindness and love in my children's eyes, has made me realize that I have not wasted 23 years.I've gained a family. Two people that would walk through Hell with me.

Dennis said to me once that he married below his class and that was exactly how he treated me for our marriage. Coming from such a terrible childhood, I guess that I allowed the abuse because that was all that I knew. He is an alcoholic and is/was out of control. I no longer have contact with him. He said that he is living with his parents but the cell phone bill shows that he has other interests. I'm good with that knowledge. Let her deal with his snoring, insults and drinking until he pees himself and leaving it for someone else to clean up.

The kids and I are much closer than we have ever been. Anna has been a life saver. After he left, she told me a few things from her childhood and the bottom fell out. I thought the divorce was bad but that information crushed me. I failed her. She is in counseling now. And I have been calling a women's crisis line for help.

And it just wouldn't be my life if there wasn't more craziness added to the mix. I kept seeing an older black SUV in front of the house. At first, I thought that Dennis had sent a realtor out to access the house. But then the SUV started coming back with a big thug in it. I saw it a few times and thought that I was just being paranoid.  I mentioned it to my neighbor. He said that he had seen it over half a dozen times and that it now sits farther up the road where I can't see them but they can see if I leave. I have no idea what that is about but they haven't been back for about a month. I have the odd feeling that his new GF is scouting me out.

The furnace quit. I fixed it with a spoon. Don't ask, just nod and shake your head. The water wouldn't drain out of the tub and I ended up bailing water forever. The upstairs toilet is leaking into the bathroom downstairs. I figure that Dennis is finally going to have to do some chores in this house. This is just the madness that I am dealing with on top of everything else. I ran over two skunks. I started to cry but the smell got to me and I gagged and sort of cried. I finally decided that I needed to do something nice for myself and I went and had my toes done. Do you want to know what I got for putting myself first? Two infected toes. 

I've been packing and sorting 23 years of stuff. The house is a train-wreck. Oh well, I guess things like that don't matter anymore.  I won't get in trouble if something is out of place. And that is a nice feeling. I haven't missed the narcissist yet so that says something about the level of abuse.
And here is the craziest part of this whole plan, I have decided to move out toward Vegas. I know it sounds like madness but we have a family plan. Anna will be about 4 hours away from me. DJ is graduating with his Masters in accounting in 1.5 years. He wasn't planning on staying in IL or IN. And there are tons of casinos that need accountants. I thought about staying in IL or moving to Phoenix but the cost of living is so high that the little bit of money that I get from the divorce would be eaten up quickly. And then I really wouldn't have any options. I can almost live on minimum wage in Vegas. And not to fear, I am not going to go on a gambling/drinking binge, I'll be too poor for that. Both of the kids like this plan. And living somewhere warm has been on my bucket list since I was young.

Out of all of the madness some wonderful things have happened. I know without a doubt that God is here for me and helping me. My faith is stronger than ever. He has sent some wonderful and caring people to help me. He has also shown me who can't be trusted. And that I need to trust myself more.
My "best friend" told me that it takes two people to ruin a marriage even after I told her everything. Sigh. I have been clearing out my stash of cleaning/health/beauty products. I'm not leaving them for asshole and his new woman. I drove over to my "best friend's" house to drop them off. She wasn't paying attention and backed into my parked van before I could get out. She crushed the bumper of my van. Her concern and her husband's concern was only for their new car. She said sorry and they left. She texted me later and said that they didn't have the money to pay for it but I could turn it into my insurance. Ummm no thank you. My van is only worth about $1000 and they would total it and then I would really be sunk. It cost me $400 to fix it. It is scraped up but it isn't dented anymore.

Another neighbor and her new BF have come through for me like nothing that I have ever seen before. They both have been divorced and she deals with legal documents all the time for work. The three of us went to work on fighting one of the best legal teams in IL. They have truly been a gift. They have sent over food, had me over for dinner and just loved me even when I was a train-wreck.
I finally found a good female lawyer and she was quite impressed with how far that I have gotten against such a good firm. We are very close to having it settled and I am grateful for that.
The funny part is I've been asked out a few times. Those men have very low standards. I look ghastly. I've lost about 35 pounds. And since I lost it so fast my face is drooping and my neck looks like a hairless nutsack.

So that's about it for my madness. Oh wait, DJ is gay. It took some getting used to but then I realized that the gay jokes are now at a whole new level. And I am grateful to have Ricky(DJ's BF) in my life. He is a kind and caring soul.

Again, I just want to say thank you to every single person that has thought about me. You have made me feel loved and important.

Love and gratitude,
Sonya Ann


PS-If you feel the need to say a few prayers for me that would be wonderful and appreciated. Also if you know of a good neck/nut cream that helps with wrinkles that would be appreciated too.
*************************

Sluggy

29 comments:

  1. Sonja,
    That is a brave letter to write and you have been brave thru this horrible ordeal. Moving to Vegas does sound like a good plan and the weather is almost always nice. Good luck with it all and know many people have you in their thoughts. As a minimalist, I'd suggest just get rid of most everything, then you will starting out new and unencumbered!

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  2. Sonya Ann ((((hugs))))

    Holy hell.

    What a piece of horrible shit you are ridding yourself of!
    After 15 years away from my x who is a raging alcoholic narcicistic asshole, I can say with experience that every day without him is a better day. Someone else can clean his vomit and listen to his stupidness.
    Your kids are awesome and so are you!
    My x used to love to kick me when I was down. But I always got up swinging. We are fighters and we are smart and strong.
    You will rise from this and there will be great days ahead!

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  3. Sonya Ann, I miss you and I'm so sorry to hear the agony you've been through. If you change your mind about moving some place warm, I can hook you up with a job and apartment in ND. Its a decent living but def not warm. Hugs and prayers for you.

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  4. I wish you well in your new life. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  5. Holy crap Sonya Ann....I can't even imagine what you are going through. So glad your kids are there for you through all this. Love your plan of heading to Las Vegas, lots of jobs, affordable housing and a fresh start. Happy that DJ came out, and that he has a nice BF, things probably make a lot more sense now. As for your ex....no words. May he rot in hell/get a serious disease and have his ding dong fall off. I remember your old posts about getting weird cards, that was a long time ago and likely is weighing heavily on your mind. Double hugs! I realize you don't want to blog and I get that...but maybe give Sluggy an update down the road for us? We care about you :)

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    1. Forgot to add...I've also seen you as a mean black jack dealer..just putting it out there. They make a lot more than minimum wage :)

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  6. Dear Sonya Ann,

    Your situation is quite similar to what I went through. I've been divorced since 2010 and I'm much happier. I know this time is hell, but you have to stand up for yourself and your lawyer has to stand up for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't let that asshole shit on you anymore.

    Love,
    Janie Junebug

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  7. I cried for a long time. I cried for you and for my sad story that is like yours in about 20 places in your message. You will get through it, scarred and battered, but you will survive. I put on Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" and played it on repeat and as loud as it would go. I would like you to email me, if you will. Love, Linda

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  8. Oh wow.. I'm with Sluggy on the F bombs, but then I had to ask for forgiveness. You are a brave woman, and God will see you thru this. My prayers are with you.

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  9. Oh my goodness Sonya, I had no idea things were that bad. It sounds to me like it's time for life part 2 and you'll be starting over in a better place...without him. Your kids sound like wonderful, compassionate people and I'm so glad they've been there for you. I agree with Christina....get rid of everything except the bare necessities. It's very freeing and cheaper to move too. Have fun shopping secondhand to furnish your new place. When you get to Vegas, look up April from the old Cash Only Living blog. She knows everything about that area. I hope things get settled soon so you can start your new journey. I wish you all the best. XXXOO

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  10. Well, that’s a pisser! I only visited your blog once in awhile. I felt you were writing too close to the bone. Now that this is all ‘out there’, it makes sense. My Dad was an alcoholic, too, although he was a nice alcoholic, if there is such a thing. I firmly believe that what goes around comes around, wether we see it or not. I think Dennis is in for a big surprise.
    So happy that your family is behind you! That is huge! If nothing else, you’ve already won! Dennis can’t take that away.
    Best of luck to you! You’ll be fine, better than fine!
    Debbie

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  11. I am saying a prayer for you - I know I don't know you, but you sound like one of the strongest women I've known - to go through all this and still be standing is a testament to your fortitude - YOU CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING!!!!

    Sue

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  12. Wishing you only the best in the days to come.

    Good riddance to Dennis!!! You will be far better off.

    Best of luck in your new life,Janie

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  13. Hugs! to you Sonya!

    Coleen

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  14. Dear Sonya/Sluggy

    Dennis is an alcoholic and his family are enablers. The fact that they did not like you is a sign of that behavior. What a puke. I can't F-bomb I am sorry but I can seriously think it. I think Las Vegas is a great move. I also think you tap danced to his tune as fast as you could for many many years.His insistence on perfection must have been a real drag. He was always able to make everything your fault and make you think it was your mistake. You always had to doubt yourself. Well no more sister. You raised two wonderful kids, and gay is gay, who cares, if people love and respect you they will love and respect your son. Hold your head high and wear this like a badge. I had a pretty crappy, alcoholic ridden childhood also, but I broke the cycle, it was hard and I still carry baggage. You can do this.

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  15. Sonya--- I don't know what to say, except that I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I will be saying extra prayers for you as you begin your new life. It sounds like you have a plan in place and you really are a strong woman! I am so glad to hear that your children are behind you and are being such support to you. I remember from reading your blog how much love and pride you take in them. Continued prayers and hugs for you and your kids!!

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  16. Sonya,
    I am so sorry to hear you were married to such an a$$. You know, what goes around comes around. He will get his in the end. You are better off without him and his family. Sounds like you have two wonderful kids though and I bet that was YOuR influence. I. It’s your blog, hopefully Sluggy can keep us posted. Prayers for you dear One.
    Kathi in Florida

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  17. Sonya, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I will pray for your strength, resilience, and hope for a much better future. I'm with Christina about getting rid of most everything. New life in Las Vegas sounds like a great plan.

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  18. All the hugs coming your way. I am so, so sorry to hear this. Can't imagine how difficult everything has been for you & your kids. And, what a raging a*hole. Really. Truly. You are so very much better off without that fool.
    You can do this. You will be better for it, even though it may not seem like it now. Big hugs.

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  19. I went through a divorce many, many years ago - and he was a real piece of work. I feel your pain and you are going to survive this and when it's all over, you are going to be so proud of yourself and your life will be awesome! How do I know? Because my life is awesome now. It takes a bit of time and a lot of energy, but you will make it because you are amazing. Hang in there, girl...you will be so glad that you survived this and life can only get better. Take care and thank you for letting us know that you're still out there and fighting for the good life. You've been missed. Ranee (MN)

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  20. Sending positive mojo your way... look forward to everything life has to offer! Looking back will do no good. You have 2 beautiful children and a new journey... be sure to enjoy the ride.

    Deb G.
    CT

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  21. Sonja Ann, In my own grief leading up to Sluggys coorfunated message and carfs, I haf no more energy but kept you in prayers to find peace with whatever was happening. You are a brave and courageous soul-married below his class? There is no class from what you've described of his family.You are full of grace and to be able to already pick up the garbage he left and build a new life so quickly is extraordinary.

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  22. Sonya Ann-so glad you are getting support from wonderful neighbours both professionally and personally. An aside: you should be entitled to any pension etc Dennis has/had. No doubt you know that but just wanted to mention it.
    I had a feeling.
    Went through a similar experience with Michael Numbnuts. Oh, that reminds me, maybe try some Preparation H on your necknuts. ONLY YOU, Sonya Ann, could make such jokes in the face of one hell of a shit show.
    If I could punch his lights out I would. Oh and also get checked out if Dennis was cheating. I did after Micheal...just in case. Yeah, that sucks doesn't it. Having said that I'm in the "minimalist" group. Only take with you what brings you joy. Leave the rest behind. Don't bother with a plumber - I'm sure Dennis can fix the flooded bathroom, and hopefully, basement. Sorry but I think I've been triggered by what you're going through - my inner cynic is coming out! You have not wasted your life - you have two amazing kids, you truly do. When you mentioned Vegas I immediately thought of you dealing cards - is that a possibility? I've never wanted to go to Vegas before but if that's where you end up I just might have to visit!
    Love you Sonya Ann - I knew it had to be something awful. But out of awfulness great things can happen. And my money is on you girl!
    Please stay in touch!! HUGS!!

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  23. I didn't send a card as I didn't want you to feel like someone who is pretty much a stranger was barging in on you, but I've been praying. I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with him and his family both for so long. You're kids are great and they know the truth and it shows 100% in their actions now. When you mentioned Vegas I immediately remembered an article I read the other day about great places to live with low costs of living and Vegas was one of them. I'm not a gambler, but I bet with your awesome humor and wit that you would be GREAT dealing with people at gambling tables, keep them laughing and spending money.

    Your story mirrors my family's (dad did the same spring a divorce request, had another family lined up, crap) when I was a teen. Here we are 20+ years later and he has pretty much no relationship with us or any of his grandkids, exact opposite of my mom.

    Mom and us kids were tough and you and yours are, too and you WILL be much better off with him gone.

    (and the childish me wants to tell you to cause some extra leaks before you leave, lol).

    I'll keep praying. Big hugs.
    T

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  24. Sonya Ann,
    I am glad to hear from you. I missed reading your perspective, but it all makes sense now.
    Your husband is a massive shit ass! It also sounds like that apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. I am so sorry. Divorce is awful and expensive and gut-wrenching...but sometimes it’s the only way to go and you come out the other side ready to feel valued again. Sounds like that is your current path. I am grateful it is almost over.
    I am also grateful that you have loving children in your corner. I am sorry you had to face Anna’s pain as well as your own. Sounds like you have handled that as lovingly as any Mom can.
    Don’t fix anything except the toe infection.
    I don’t think Vegas is crazy. I know several people who loved living there and I know a gay couple who moved there as it is quite gay friendly, apparently. However, the last time we were there, the strip was dirty and filled with nasty drug-addled people, some of whom had clearly peed themselves, so definitely take your van, so you don’t have to live too close to that mess.
    Take you children’s pictures, the clothes you look great in, kitchen items you love, personal items and leave the rest, and maybe leave a cod in the box spring. He earned it.
    You are right about God. When you have nothing left but God, you realize that is all you really need. That verse got me through my divorce as I didn’t have any children yet. He will put the right people in your life, your job is to spot them!
    And that best friend, girl, you deserve better.
    I am so thankful you have spotted the kind people to help you through this trial.
    I bet you look better than you think you do.
    Take care.

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  25. Sonya Ann, I am so sorry you are going through this but at least you have the love and support of your kids. I have noticed that parents of adult assholes have a much easier time blaming a soon to be ex for their beasts bad behavior than to have to look at their jerk offspring.
    If you need any help cussing him out I have dropped the F bomb in grammatically correct fashion as every part of speech. I will be happy to spew expletives in his direction
    Meanwhile put on your best face and understand a POS is only good once it is totally gone.
    Wishing you all the best once the worst is over

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  26. Sonya, I comment rarely on blogs, however, I just want to say you impress the hell out of me. You are very strong and he's an asshat. I think the Vegas idea is a good one. You should also consider blogging again. You are a gifted writer and make me laugh out loud (which few people do) even when talking about a serious/sad subject. It just might be therapeutic for you and you could maybe make a little money on the side. Best wishes for you and as one of my favorite quotes goes..."Straighten your crown and move forward like the queen that you are".

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  27. Sonya Ann, I'm so glad you showed up again through Sluggy's blog even if your story is a very sad one. If you haven't already hop over to Chumplady.com. She is a life saver. No "marriage reconciliation" here and "what did you do to cause him to cheat"? Just pure unadulterated truth on what it's like living with a narc. You will get lots of support there and even advice (there are quite a few lawyers there too). AND, get this, they will be able to predict Den's behaviour for you because apparently all narcs read from the same play book. You will get hooked. My ex left me at 51, divorced at 53 and though I took a financial hit I have never been happier. Seriously losing that asshole gave me a second shot at life in my 50s. No more walking on eggshells. No more having someone blame you for everything, no more parenting someone who is supposed to be your spouse. Oh and he can damn well scrub his on skid marks too. Onwards and upwards. Much love to you girl. You can do this. Anna

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  28. Oh, Sonya Ann ... WOW! Thank you for the update. I'm sorry this has been your experience. I have thought of you often and prayed you were doing well. Vegas sounds like a great place to start your next adventure. I'm glad you were surrounded by great support. Keep looking and moving forward.

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