I have been on a few local yahoo lists for years now. One is a local Tag Sale or Yard Sale site where you can sell things. Another is a local Christmas/Holiday list. This one started out as a mix of folks who needed help providing Christmas for their kids, for whatever reason, and folks who have a want and the resources to help provide for these families. It's like a cyber Salvation Army giving tree. People who need help are spread throughout my state on this list and you can choose to play Santa for those who can't afford to at the Holidays, either folks who are local to you or you can choose to ship to anyone on the list anywhere in the state.
This second group was so successful that the owner/originator decided to start another group list with a similar purpose, but not limit the help to Holiday giving and not to limit it to presents for your kids/loved ones. Any time of year and any type of help is acceptable to ask for on this list, for the most part. You can't ask for a car or large sums of money, et cetera. Physical items of lesser value(money toward paying a bill, used furniture for your apartment) and/or guidance(like legal advise or help contacting appropriate agencies for your needs)and/or personal help(such as rides to doctors, help repairing a roof, babysitting, cooking for someone ill)....that sort of thing.
About 4 years back, the requests on these lists started getting out of hand(parents asking for new gaming systems, computers, new smartphones, asking for gifts for grown children who could get a job and buy their own stuff, etc.)and too many cases of fraud(folks asking for help when they clearly didn't need it, and folks receiving help from multiple people without disclosing this)started happening. The system in place started to be abused by a certain element of the membership which made those who were giving help decide to either drop out or severely limit what they gave/who they helped.
In January of this year, this email came across the "Year Long Help" List. It's from a mother of a grown child asking for help for her daughter.
I was floored by what it said.
All the identifying information and names have been removed.
Here it is......
"This is on behalf of my daughter in XXX County who does not have internet access. I've over-extended myself horribly helping her for the past few years and literally can't help her anymore. She is broke and her water is being shut off. The local community action agency (which the XXX agency referred her case to) says they can't help her unless she has a source of income (which she doesn't have). Welfare was cut off. She is in a rental property but is facing eviction for nonpayment of rent. She says she won't go to a shelter because of her pets (four dogs & 2 cats). Her spouse (also low-income) moved back with his family and took their newborn with him. I have her older child with me. Due to rules in place by county children & youth services, she is not permitted to be with either of her children, so she can't move in with her husband nor can she move in with me. Need advice, suggestions or other options to have her consider. She has no income and no government benefits now."
Here is the only response this email received.....
"tell her to go live on the streets if she don't want to go to a shelter"
And here is the response from the original note's writer.....
"Hi all, Thanks for the advice. I personally think she needs to look at getting a job or some sort of income. She disagrees and says she's too anxious to ever work. She says that if she has a big family, then the various pieces of the government will help her, by moving her up on section 8 lists, free medical care, food stamps, etc. She plans to go to the various agencies next week, because she just found out she's a few weeks pregnant again and she says that will get her qualified fast for all this aid. I hope she knows what she's doing, because frankly, I don't understand it. I just always worked for whatever I could. Thanks; I guess time will tell whether she is right or wrong."
Now I have no clue what the background, what all went on in these people's lives the years leading up to this plea for help.
Obviously this daughter has some very disturbing ideas about being a grown-up and how one should conduct one's life. And frankly, I blame her parent(s)for some of this, as it sounds like this mother was a major enabler and helped this daughter to end up at this point, thinking others owed her a life/a living. Allowing your grown kid to continue to mooch off of you, her parent(s), just reinforced these notions that other people "owed" her something.
I try not to be judgmental, but seriously??
Since when is having another baby going to help your situation if you can not support yourself now?
And something bad which is not spoken of here must have preceded the state banning her from being around/living with her other children. What makes her think the state won't step in and take a newborn from her too?
And how many other people out there in the society also have this thought process and seriously believe that society OWES them money/housing/transportation when they do nothing to help themselves? This Entitlement Attitude seems to be growing in a certain segment of our society.
People like this are what gives social agencies(government backed AND privately funded ones too)a bad name and make taxpayers balk at their hard earned dollars being spent in an unwise fashion on social programs.
What are your reactions and thoughts to this email plea on behalf of this woman's daughter?
I am very curious to know.
Sluggy
My reaction is that her daughter is a drug addict and my heart breaks for that woman's baby and her other children that were clearly taken away. The entitlement mentality in this world has grown to horrid proportions and frankly I think we are in trouble.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine what the woman is thinking either. I have been on the government dole before. I had a husband slowly dying with no medical insurance Our total monthly income was $1,000. I could leave him alone to find additional work. We were on Food Stamps, medical assistance and they paid my electric bill every other month.
ReplyDeleteThe day after he died I was left with $38 in the bank and $3.90 on my food stamp card. After some mourning time, I went out and found legal ways to increase my income. Three and a half years later I still have my Food Stamp card with $3.90 still on it.
The government was there for me when I NEEDED it. To refuse to work to better your condition is a shame.
I agree with Rivulet somewhat. We do have a horrible entitlement mentality in this culture. Back in the early '90's, I stopped participating in angel tree type charities, because the value of the gift requests were far beyond what we were going to purchase for our kids. Now, I see my dd 's 5th grade classmates wearing dressed head to toe in name brand clothing, textinng on Smart Phones, and I know those kids are on free lunch, and moms worry about gas to drive them to the bus stop.
ReplyDeleteI think this create a desperate situation, and desperate people do desperate things.
This makes me angry. Its not always the easiest for me to get up and go to work but I do. I work hard, make a good income, pay a boatload of taxes, and the government redistributes those taxes to lazy ass people like this. Go get a freakin' job.
ReplyDeleteI think that's one thing I've hardened my heart towards. I've heard the same thing a lot, in person, with people I work with. The whole "pop more babies for more assistance", with disregard to who's the father, who will be taking care of the kids, etc. It's scary. I don't think much can be done that is legal or deemed inhumane or cruel. I feel for that mother and I feel even more for the children; they have nothing to do with it, yet they will be brought in this kind of disarray. If you REALLY want to know what I think, I'd say remove her tubes and offer her a job picking up trash or flipping burgers. If that's too much for her, to the streets it is. I think that entitlement should be treated with the same urgency as other mental health issues, because that's just what it is.
ReplyDeletePeople always say about poverty in the US, and I used to do no more than scoff... back home, you SEE poverty. As in people dying of starvation. Mangled, crippled, unable to do anything. Those that try, will get support from families (there's no welfare). Those that don't, well, do nothing at your own peril. There is always honest work to be done if you're willing to accept it. Many countries do NOT have welfare assistance as the US does (which I personally think is excessive), and they do just fine. Yes, you have your rich and your (real) poor. But a lot less lazy people when their destiny is put into their hands with no other alternatives or government safety net.
Ahem.
The Mother is an enabler, not helping her daughter at all. People need to stop giving handouts to people like this - this is the exact reason society has gone to hell in a handbasket. She doesn't realize that the State giving her things means everyone else has to pay for her. Everyone needs to cut her off including the State
ReplyDeleteI believe there are many people who do need it but there are many who abuse the system. I know that this year some of the things people asked for on the angel tree at church were crazy..more than I could ever afford to buy
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this story I thought "mental illness." There's probably a very solid reason this woman is not allowed to be with her other children, and I'll be it has nothing to do with her not wanting to get a job. Unfortunately, no one can make her get help, and about all that can be done these days is to remove the children from the situation and then systematically remove all her other benefits which is what seems to have happened. Not even her mother can make her get help, and for all anyone knows she may be completely incapable of holding down a job. Her mom has probably been enabling her for years, maybe for not knowing what else to do. We have someone like this in our distant family, and it's been both sad and frustrating and maddening at times, not just for family members who have tried to help, but especially for the kids and for the social services that have tried to help as well. The family member does not see herself though as having any sort of mental illness or needing "that kind of help," although if you're around her for even a short time it's very apparent.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to be judgmental, especially in a situation like this and feel like your hard-earned taxes are being wasted. But this may have absolutely nothing to do with laziness. I have learned to tell myself "there but for the grace of God go I," and focus instead on the many, many people who are being helped.
Can I be on the list too? I would like to go to the spa and some cute clothes and maybe some shoes. Oh and Vegas wouldn't be out of the question either.
ReplyDeletePeople suck. Den is livid. We bust our butts and section 8 moved in down the street. They don't have to work and have nicer cars than we do. Please tell me why we try? Oh and the house has been completely redone.
If the woman cannot live in the same house as her children with someone else actually in charge, her infant will be removed from her custody as soon as it is born. I doubt she will be allowed to even hold it unsupervised. We don't know what the underlying problem is. The husband could have done a number on her, lying to make a real problem. It happens. Either way, she does need to take a little responsibility and get some sort of job. Being "nervous" is a euphemism for being on drugs or alcohol. My elderly friend's deceased husband was "too nervous" to hold a job.
ReplyDeleteIn my lifetime, I have known women who supported themselves by living with men for various amounts of time, but usually no longer than a year. They just drifted from man to man, getting more dependent on a man or drugs/alcohol.
Most were very pretty and learned early their worth lay in looks and how they could please a man. Tell daughters how smart they are and how they will go far. Support them long enough to get a good start in life where they will know they are worth more than a cook, baby brooder, and bedmate. Don't treat girls like they are princesses that must never dirty their hands. I put the two-year-old to work with chores just a little bit over her head and she grew right into them.
The woman probably has "learned helplessness." My 13-yr-old (2-yr-old above) daughter was enlisted to help me put an ac in a window. When we finished, she said, "I cannot believe we put that in all by ourselves!" She was in awe of the power of two females and said so often over the next few days. Teach girls they can do things. I would bet this woman was headed on this course from the time she was little. But, we do not know what kind of abuse or family dynamics pushed her in the direction she is headed now.
However, I think she needs a rude awakening.
About ten (maybe seven) years ago, a freecycle mother asked for four laptops, internet ready and with wifi so her four children could do their homework. There was an uproar to kick her off. She said she was ill and one of her children placed the request. I didn't buy that, but maybe it was true. At any rate, she dropped out of sight and reappeared in another persona. But, you could tell it was the same person. Her requests were still a bit over the top.
Nervous? Give me a break! First though I had was what the hell is she doing with 4 dogs and 2 cats if she can't even afford to look after her children?? Why is it these people always have a boat load of animals? Scary looking animals usually. Like rabid.
ReplyDeleteHave I said lately how proud I am of my daughter?? Who paid most of her own way through university? While working THREE jobs???
Ok..enough..I'm getting myself worked up.
Jane,
DeleteI forgot about the four dogs and two cats! That bothered me, too. You just know they live inside and her place is nasty because she is probably too nervous to clean the place. Even if she were my sister, I would not allow her to move in with those animals. One reason I don't have animals is because I cannot afford to support them. And, I would not give a dime of support as long as she could afford to feed animals and would not give them up to go to a shelter. If not rabid, they are probably feral acting and mangy. Poor animals.
My children lived at home instead of going to a college out of town, worked, and got grants to graduate with no loans, AND two are teachers. One quit and now works too hard for the pittance she makes, but she works. Their Daddy would have kicked them out if they tried to be a leach. I just wonder how much the mother is to blame now that she is enabling the daughter to live off others.
So the only part of her that isnt "too nervous" to work is the baby makin' parts. Nice contribution to society. Everybody has to have a skill I guess.
ReplyDeleteThe baby makers that can't feed or provide basic care for their kids- no respect from me.
The sense of entitlement in this country is rampant, and quite frankly, of our own doing. We've picked presidents who feed into this philosophy of robbing from the rich to give to the poor. There are many people who are very skilled in working the system. They know if there are children involved, they will get the aid they need. Sad, very sad.
ReplyDeleteMy boss and I were talking this week about people's entitlement mentality. We have people that work at our company that think they are entitled to huge salaries and bonuses just because they show up. They feel they should come and go as they please and keep up with all their social networking. Ugh! I was taught that if someone pays you to work, then you work.
ReplyDeleteI was also raised to understand that no one owes you anything. I am disgusted with people that have taught their children they deserve whatever they want just because they exist.