After some friends(and blog friends/readers)experienced having their spouses die I have spent some time thinking about what my life will/would be like if Hubs were to predecease me. I know I have more health conditions than him but you never know who will go first(for want of a better expression).
I do know I could muddle along with keeping up the house and could ask my son in-law to fix anything I am incapable of doing myself(which is a lot). But this house sits on 5+ acres and I'd have to resort to paying someone to keep it up(grass cutting, tree trimming, weeding, etc.)Not that I am adverse to paying for yard work but do I really want to worry about all this land needing upkeep.
I would only have my 2 dogs to keep me company if Hubs passes and once the dogs die I can't see myself living here all by myself and would need one of my kids to take me in most probably, if they would have me.
All this sort of thinking was so far off my radar until Kim's hubby died on Christmas. Now living after Hubs death is about all I can think about. Gosh, I am old and feel like I am running out of time. ;-) And all this is inevitable unless Hubs outlives me(which is highly possible).
I don't mean to sound so morbid but this is where my mind goes to lately.
I saw this Youtube piece recently too that has me thinking...
Sluggy
I understand, I'm 7 years younger but have had cancer twice so death is something I think of. I know my daughter would let me move in with her and her husband but I feel that is a burden I don't want to give her. I would probably move to a retirement home and drive myself crazy.
ReplyDeleteHi Sluggy, this is Chris. I have thought about this and think I would go into an apartment if hubby went first. I don’t think it is morbid to think about these things. We are getting to that age, especially with things like retirement, social security, Medicare, etc getting to be real for us.
ReplyDeleteAfter 4 years of widowhood I moved to a retirement home. It's very enjoyable and a good move. I had always thought that was what I wanted to do, if I outlived my husband.
ReplyDeleteSluggy your still younger then me ,your not old
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you are coming from. Hubby and I are both 60 and no real health issues. However I often have thoughts about what is going to happen when the first of us dies. We have no children so know we are going to have to chart our own journey through to the end. I don't like to leave things unfinished ie have to get taxes done as soon as possible and wrapped up in case I should fall off the perch suddenly. These thoughts are constantly playing in my head. I expect I will go first even though I have no health issues because my family tend to checkout before 70.
ReplyDeleteToula, what a great phrase. I have never heard it before. “if I should suddenly fall off the perch”. Perfect! Thank you, made my day! Hilogene in Az
DeleteThanks for this post. My husband and I are in the same age group as you. Already we know so many widows, and a few widowers. I've also been thinking so much about running out of time.
ReplyDeleteWell, I have been divorced and alone for 20 yrs. I am in my 60’s. I bought my very small retirement house within three minutes of the ER in the University town. The agreement is that my oldest son will move into my small retirement house and will take care of me, with the other two sons pitching in. Daughter lives 2000 miles away and in a cold, expensive place so I am not moving there. All three sons significantly helped with my mom, for 8 yrs so they are well versed in dealing with the elderly. But mom took care of them while I worked when they were younger so they were very close to her. To them, it is normal to help with old folks. I distinctly remember one took my mom out of state gambling. I thought she was at home with him…. Lol. There were other shenanigans they did with my mom where she would ride shotgun with them on some of their adventures. She would also escape from them and they had to run after her. They and their friends would chase her down…. Lol. She would cuss them and shoot them the bird. Their friends thought she was hilarious. She had Alzheimers, died of pancreatic cancer, but she was able to walk and run until the last two days. I attribute the fact that she was able to stay ambulatory to the boys and the adventures they would take her on. We are just redneck hillbillies at heart. Cindy in the South
ReplyDeleteI love this and wish it was the same for all of us, your sons will have some wonderful memories.
DeleteI am beginning to suspect I will outlive my Someone. I wonder what that will be like.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you an answer that would set your mind at ease. There is not one. We all no it is going to happen, one of you will pass before the other. When we are young it is a big shock and is brings us to our knees. The most important thing, you have done, planned well, have money set aside for retirement.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died young at 51, after a five year cancer battle. We were lucky, my father had died at 36 so we knew bad things could happen. We had been preparing for retirement and also had life insurance. Money is not a concern, I am not wealthy, in fact I am quite frugal by nature. Our son is grown and married. i am still here in the family home with 3 dogs for company.
I know you have just been through a big move but if this is weighing heavy on your heart you need to have a discussion with your husband and children to have a plan if something happens. We all know it is better to be prepared for a crisis, not to wait and have to make decisions in an emergency. Talk to the ladies that are going through this they can give a wealth of information, to have things in order should the worst happen.
I think these recent deaths have made us all sit up and take note. You are not alone in your thoughts Sluggy. My husband is 11 years older than me and my mind often drifts into "what if" as I get older. But it does mean that I try to be more organised with our life affairs to avoid burdening the children, it is so hard some days. Blessings to all.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a very normal thought that comes about when we're in our 50's. I've thought about the size house and land we have and if I could handle it or not and I think it's wise to decide these things before you get sick or too old. We had to sell my MIL's house so she would have money to live on. It was paid for and provided her many years, of which she is still living off of, in a retirement home. Our goal for retirement is to have our house paid off, so it will be an asset to sell if we need to. I would probably do the same if my husband passed away or move to a townhome. I don't want to live with my kids because I want them to have their own lives and that puts a strain on marriages. I know my boys would help me with anything I needed, but they deserve their own households without their mother invading their home. I think the best thing to do is get as organized as possible, plan and save and be prepared and then pray you both live long and joyful lives :)
ReplyDeleteI think about it also... I keep trying to "simplify" and plan our lives for it to happen. And also to enjoy things now, because we aren't getting younger. But yeah, we have our house that's cheaper to be in right now, but I do think a lot of the what ifs of aging here, esp with some recent health drama of late for both of us. It's a bit unsettling to be young old:)
ReplyDeleteYou can come live with me. I have lots of rooms and a ton of doors!
ReplyDeleteLawd. You , Sam, Hilogene, Kim, and Sluggy can live together in a new version of the Golden Girls. Girls just wanna have fun… sing it with me now….. …. Betcha cannot get the tune outta your head now…..😂 Cindy in the South
DeleteWell, this was an interesting post today ;). My husband had health issues for thirty years and I occasionally pondered what I would do, if he passed first. We didn’t specifically talk about life afterwards…for me now, three months after his passing, I don’t think more conversations would have mattered. Interestingly, everyone handles the spouses death so differently, I have been astonished. One acquaintance in my neighborhood is simply undone, spends her days walking her dogs and crying. I have found staying busy helps me, and I have been able to function relatively well. Last week I decided to sell our house and move somewhere much less maintenance intensive. The realtor was saying yesterday that most folks don’t sell so quickly after a spouses death, and was I sure that was what I wanted. Good of her to ask. And yes I am sure. My one suggestion is to make sure that both people understand the financial stuff…where are the key documents and what are the income and expenses…after a death, with my mind working at half speed, it was critical to know those things just to survive and keep the lights on. Hilogene in Az.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit since Kim and Sam's husbands have passed away this has also been on my mind almost daily. I just can't imagine.
ReplyDeleteThis subject is on my mind so much at the moment. Thought I was on top of things til hubby had surgery 3 weeks ago. So many what ifs. My son has bought house with mother in law suite for us. Its hard to leave Pa after its been your life. We would be moving to West Virginia. But so hard pulling that trigger. We are 73 and health declining so I know its the right thing. Been decluttering but so hard to put house on market. It will happen soon and I know it will be the best but so hard to move from where you grew up. Plus everday the kids encourage us. Joyce
ReplyDeleteLate Husband died when he was 39. I already know what I will do if Hubby dies before me. The Amish around us has already told us and our kids they will step in and help me. 5 acres ( We rent 3 of it to Amish neighbor so you might think about that). I have places I can get wood for free or little cost already cut for our wood stove. Hubby on the other hand found himself wondering what I was calling the small appliance cabinet last night when he was going to make popcorn.
ReplyDeleteI got a book called "Sorry for your loss. It's Me" from Amazon. It's really help make sure I check the boxes on what Son2 would need if something happened to one or both of us.
I have thought of this, too, as my dh has some health issues, so it seems a higher chance he'd go before me (but like you said, you just never know). I would definitely sell this place and most likely get a condo or a townhouse. The question is where! Stay in this state/area or go back close to my dd. Most likely I'd move back near her.
ReplyDeleteTHis is a thought of many of our family and friend now. By the way I will take you. You can live with me. Fun, fun fun! We can eat donuts all day long.
ReplyDeleteI think about this way too much since my dad passed last April and my mom is in hospice care now. I've lost several good friends over the past few years. It all feels sad and I wish I knew how to navigate this portion of my life.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is older than me (9 years), but I have an autoimmune disease, so it's anyone's guess which one of us will live the longest. We only have a few years left with the kids out of the house, and I don't think I would want to maintain my current house, if my husband passed. I normally love the weather (this winter not withstanding), but I'd probably move to be closer to my sister & parents, if my husband passed. Financially, I'd be fine, and I certainly couldn't choose a HCOL place to live, so anything would be cheaper than here.
ReplyDeleteI’m 69 and more recently really slowing down more although I’m on no medication and my general health is good except for miserable arthritis and a horrible knee. But I can’t do 1/2 the things I used to and it frustrates me so much! I live on an acre plus on a river that I love and my riding lawn mower is my friend! (Getting harder to get on and off) I have 4 kids and 13 grandkids fairly near and they’re willing to help but I hate to ask. I still work as a RN part time but not sure if for much longer! But I’ve been a widow for 27 years, my dear husband died at 41 from cancer. That week my youngest turned 5. Being so busy helped me keep moving. I’m feeling so much renewed grief lately! And especially when hearing of other’s loss. Now with empty nest, mostly retired I realize I’m so sad and plain old jealous of couples!!! Not fair. Someday I’ll have to sell but I’ve given myself at least three years here. My kids have offered to take care of me but I hope to remain fairly independent even if that means assisted living. Jre
ReplyDeleteBefore Kim's and Sam's husbands died, I worried what would happen to Tommy if I died first. Also, I wondered what I would do if he went first. Since Christmas, this has been on my mind even more.
ReplyDeleteI am confused did you and Tommy get married?
DeleteJay and I think about this alot too. I'm leaning more towards us not moving to PA. I have finally gotten the gardens to be what I want here, and it would be to much work for me to redo it at another place. We know where medical care is, and have a network of caregivers. If I go first I know he will sell the house and probably move to the city, or at least back to his hometown into a condo or apt. He will resume his carefree life that he had before me. He has really given alot up for me and our family. If he goes first, I will muddle along, keep the house, get some cats, and chickens. Either way, we have made some wonderful memories together, raised a family and cared for our elders. No regrets.
ReplyDeleteDH and I have discussed these issues many times over the years. When we built our house 9 years ago we put in items to help us age in place (i.e., grab bars in the bathroom, walk-in shower, ramp to the front door in place of stairs). DH has many health issues from his military service in Vietnam so we're pretty sure he will go first. In any case I have made sure all the financial information is easily accessible in the event I go first. Suz
ReplyDeleteAs a single woman, I don't know how to respond, but honestly, if my Ex-husband passed, I would have a hard time as he's become a dear friend, but it's not that same as losing your soulmate.
ReplyDeleteHubby & I have no kids & there's no family to help out. Our mobile home is paid off & there's no financial issues due to my pension & SS for us both, plus an inheritance from my mom. We're less than 20 mins from shopping & restaurants, 5 mins from the hospital & 15 min from our doctor. Plus we have both the police dept & local community center a block away. With the friends we're making in the mobile home park & the services close to us, this became our forever home. But neither of us is 100% ready to live alone. Hubby would need to start paying bills, balance the checkbook & keep organized. I would need to drive places that he always drove to, learn to fix the simple things & keep up the maintenance on home & car. As things come up, we're trying to learn these things. Though we expect him to go first, we never take that for granted & know we both need to learn from each other.
ReplyDeleteI'm only 40 and have young kids, but this has been something I've been thinking about for a few years now, as I know more than a few people our age who either died tragically or from cancer (also tragic, but not as unexpected as others). I know it won't make it feel less painful if anything were to happen, but I'd hope I would have a little more peace of mind to focus on other things that need taken care of if that were ever to happen (God forbid).
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