Sunday, April 24, 2016

Life Is Always Changing

So I alluded to some changes coming down the pike in 2016 for us at Chez Sluggy in earlier posts.

And here is the big one.......my daughter is going back to school and moving back in with us in PA.
And she is bringing her boyfriend.
As Sonya Ann would say, "yaaaaay" with a frowning face. 8-(

As of now we don't have a hard timeline for when this move will occur as Daughter is dealing with medical issues and wants them address in Louisiana before they move to Pennsylvania(at least right now that is her plan).  So when she starts school(and moves here)will depend on when the medical is addressed.  She basically needs Laparoscopic back surgery.  I won't get into details on this here.
We are at the whims of her spine doc and our insurance provider(and probably appeals by said insurer)as to when she will be able to get the surgery.  If she gets it soon, she can start college in the Fall and will be moving here in August.  If they keep delaying then she starts in the Spring and moves here in December.  If her spine doc refuses to do the surgery on her then she can quit her job and move back sooner rather than later and get a new spine doc up here.

So I have either until August or until December to make room in the house for her and the boyfriend.
Oh and did I mention they are bringing their dog too? ;-)
So we are going from a household of 2 and 1 kid here part time(when not in school)to a household of 4 and 1 kid here part time and a rather large crazy dog.

We have very little clutter left in our house(just lots of dirt lolz)but I am again searching the house with a keen eye toward getting rid of more "stuff".  Hubs has lots of "stuff", from his book addiction, to his chess accoutrements to his beer brewing supplies.  My "stuff" is a fabric stash and lots and lots of toiletries.  The food stockpile is not "stuff" and will be needed even more once they all move in here.

I do still have some things I never listed on eBay(about 5 tubs worth)which I will be going through soon and doing something with it all.  The immediate problem is that Daughter's old room is now the Toiletry Room so most of the toiletries here need to be moved elsewhere.  If I had my druthers I wouldn't be selling or giving a lot of this away(as we will use it eventually and with 2 more people in the house we will be going through the toiletries at a faster clip).  But I took a serious look at it all and some of it needs to go for lack of room.  I guess I could keep it all and have Rubbermaid tubs stacked around in all the rooms of the house but I don't want the house to resemble a storage unit. lolz

So, even though some of you readers feel I don't need the cash and I should just give it all away, I will be putting some of the toiletry stash up for sale locally.  I really don't want to have to organize a yard sale/toiletry sale or go to a flea market and sell my excess, as I have done in the past, as it's time consuming and just something I don't want to deal with at this time.  So I am using a FB yard sale page for my town presently to sell items and will expand out and list items on the local Craigslist board if the sales just don't happen as quickly as I need them to.  And if neither of those ideas pan out then I can get use to the "Early American Storage Unit" Look.  ;-)

If I had my druthers I wouldn't sell any of this but life changes and you roll with the punches.

I listed a few items on Friday and a few more on Saturday morning and here is what I've earned for my efforts...........


$70 bucks and someone is picking up shampoo this afternoon which will make a grand total of $90 so far.  8-)))

Once Daughter and BF move in we will have added expenses all around.  At least until the BF gets a job here and starts paying for some expenses. With Daughter in school full time and depending on how her back is she might not be able to get a part time job for awhile.
So yeah, I do need the money to add to what it will cost us in additional expenses(food, electric which includes a/c and heat)to live here.  I'd rather not stop putting money away for retirement expenses like I do now but if I have to stop my Savings Challenge for awhile I can.
 And until Daughter sells her house(the proceeds of which will go toward paying for college-the portion her scholarships don't pay)we will be fronting her money for college expenses too.  In the end we will get back what we spend on the college expenses but not on the living expenses.

All I can say is that Daughter is darn lucky her parents are careful with their money and in a position to help her and willing to give her a help with a fresh start in life.

How do I feel about all this?
Well, I've been in a funk most of the Winter over this.  I'd go so far as to say I've been depressed. Going from a nice quiet and peaceful household of 2+ to a household of 4+ and a dog is not something that was on my radar as we moved toward retirement.  And we really don't know her BF well so having a stranger living here produced some anxiety in me.  There are elements of my personality that are gregarious and outgoing but when I am home I am pretty introverted.  I need a quiet place to call home to recharge myself.
And my Daughter is somewhat high maintenance and brings the drama at time(plus her relationship with BF adds to the drama). We seemed to have a great relations once she moved to Louisiana. lolz

Add in that having them here until she is finished with school is also going to push back our moving out of PA timeline.  We had hoped to leave in the Spring of 2018 and relocate once we paid for the last semester of College Boy's tuition, but Daughter may not be done with her degree by then.  So we are stuck here until she gets that diploma.  Well we CAN move away but we can't sell this house until she's finished with school.

I have doubts about how this will all work in the end but I am willing to make changes in my life to accommodate them and their needs.  I hope we can avoid conflict and I am trying to stay positive about what will come.


Sluggy

29 comments:

  1. You mentioned that your daughter will be chipping in for expenses. And what's her boyfriend going to do?

    My condolences. You got a raw deal. But as parents, we always can say 'no'.......but I def hear ya and totally understand. I'd prob be doing the same as you.

    Good luck, sluggy.
    God bless.

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    1. Once they get jobs they will both help pay living expenses. We gave her the rest of her college $ to buy the house in LA so once that sells she can pay for her own school expenses and pay us back for what we are going to front her.
      She got into school near where she lives now in LA but she can't stand LA after 3 years living down there. She got into a school here but in order to afford it she has to live with us and not in the dorms and commute.
      This is her last chance with us helping her get back on track in life.

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  2. Hi Sluggy, Can you store some of the stash under the beds, in luggage already in the closet, etc.? - ha. I would probably do the same as you - hopefully your daughter realizes how good she does have it or will eventually. You are very creative - facebook selling and all - LOL. Saving $ is a lot of effort and as we can see - $20, here, $10 there adds up and will go a ways toward those unexpected expenses. Can you give a lesson on that? I see people posting about it - but have no clue on how to get started. Ebay is starting to be too much effort - and not worth it for items with high shipping costs . . . thank-you for all the information you do provide.

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  3. hi - my adult daughter and my two grandchildren live with us (she is divorced)...husband and I wont ever be able to retire, my grandchildren both have some special needs.....it is very hard on us financially

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  4. Sluggy, I feel your angst. DS #1 rejoined my household, bringing the stranger GF with him, and a cat. Although we discussed frankly what expectations/rule were, and all signed a document as such, the 2 of them didn't stick to the plan/rules. I threw GF out, naturally, DS went with her. Sigh. It's never easy to parent. We do what we feel is best, and keep fingers crossed. Have a declutter, raise some cash, but estimate how much personal supplies you will use, keep that on hand-in the garage? Good luck!

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  5. Well, my friend, I need a big glass of wine after reading that and I am not the one who will be living with them. Your daughter IS VERY LUCKY to have you and your hubby. I really hope it works out but you are right, you will need every penny you can get for your "STASH" to help with the expenses. The biggest hardest part of it all frankly will be the BF and the dog. Frankly, he should be saving now to pay you rent - not until he gets a job (but I am a hard-ass). Your retirement funds/travel plans definitely shouldn't be mucked up by her plans so I hope that she and him hope to pull their weight around there. Sending a gigantic hug your way!

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  6. Well I am just going to add my ten cents, you opening post about the amount you save for retirement so although that is fantastic what you are saving you and your husbands mental health :) and you and your daughters relationship is worth something (something's are just worth more than money can buy IMO). How much would rent in a very humble space be? As a student and not working they should not be picky and as you stated the boyfriend should be able to get a job and contribute to the rent and living expenses.

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  7. Hopefully it will all be smoother than you are anticipating.
    I have no idea how much stockpile you have but I'm sure you will use plenty of personal care items with more people under your roof.
    But whatever does happen, I do know time goes fast.

    Best wishes to you!

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  8. Oh how I can relate as we wait month to month to here our son's plans to move back from Los Angelos. We were mentally set for April, and then fortune hit him in a steady four weeks of work, at a good rate. Now we wait to see the end of April and how May lines up. It would be just him, and he would only be staying long enough to find new work, and get started again-no more school after doing that twice (racking up the debt 2nd time which is why he is struggling financially now.) You did the dealing on the toiletries-you should reap the rewards how you like as part of your overall financial plans. Don't we all do that.

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  9. I too would appreciate some pointers on how to sell on FB. I joined a couple of those groups and I don't understand how it all works. I have some things I want to sell and don't want to use ebay anymore.

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  10. Goodness you have a lot on your plate

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  11. Wow. I can't say I'd do the same. Especially after you did everything for her to get settled down south. Sometimes better lessons are learned in their own. You seem very very involved in your kids lives. Like in the big stuff. Maybe too much? As a kid whose mother meddled, trust me, not always good! Regardless all the luck to your family!

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  12. For your sake, set clear boundaries and stick to them. It's tough being an adult and living with your parents. My mom struggles living with my oldest sister. Mostly about cleanliness and late nights without checking in. A mom never stops being a mom.

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  13. I was worried about my daughter coming back to live after being away for school and a job two hrs. away. At first I was sad both kids were away (one in school and one working) but now I kind of love it. The daughter I understand but the boyfriend. That would be very hard for me, he would need to find an apartment and visit daughter. Bad mom, I know. Cheryl

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  14. We all do what we have to do when we have to do it. Give yourself a little time and you will get used to the idea. Hopefully your house has a little space separation so you will not always be on top of each other.

    Son2 moved back to Alabama (to our home) a couple of years ago to help with my dad, and brought his moose of a dog with him. He is staying a little longer to help with Mom, which is appreciated more than I can ever say. His being here helps give my sister and me a little breathing room from our extremely demanding mother and allows us a weekend now and then to ourselves.
    Our basement has a complete living suite, so we have told him he is welcome until it is time to move Mom in with us

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  15. Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Your daughter is very lucky to have you. I hope she appreciates all you are doing for her and her boyfriend. Remember it is your home, your rules. Do not tolerate her high maintenance ways.

    Recent personal problems have caused me to live at my parent's one bedroom apartment for three months. I slept on the couch.

    We all got along fine despite me growing up as a high maintenance child. The reason is because I am grateful they took me in. They didn't have to.

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  16. My parents greatest fear was that the kids would move back home, until they needed someone to live with them and take care of them - we will all be eternally grateful for my sister and her boyfriend (now husband) moving back home. Treat them as adults and tell them you expect them to behave as adults. It will all be okay.

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  17. Sluggy, you guys are great parents. I kind of view it as self-defense parenting - help them in a reasonable manner to make sure they are independent and productive members of society. They key word being reasonable. But I don't think I'd change my retirement/house sale plans. She had her chance to go to college and chose a different route at the time. You were kind enough to give her her college money to start her new life and now you are helping again. She should understand that her change in plans shouldn't require you to change your plans. Remember the word: reasonable.

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  18. It is hard. Our daughter has moved in and out. It sounds like you have worked through the mental processing of it and are now being proactive in planning. It will work out. You are a loving Mom and it shows!

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  19. Maybe I'm a strict parents, but I see two things: she hates LA and doesn't want to live there, well boo hoo. She got into school there, tough it out and when she can afford to leave, she can move on. Why should you step in? Also, why do they have to live with you? Is there no rental market near her new school? I get wanting to help, but I don't quite understand how moving up to your area means moving IN? Why not get there own place......?

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    1. I am a mom of three grown sons. Have been in close to this same situation. I agree with anonymous 100%. You have got to let children accountable for their choices. Too much mothering does not help anyone in the long run.

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    2. Our younger son and wife and her daughter moved in with us 2 years ago. DIL had just lost her job, and they didn't make enough to rent in our high dollar market. We made up a document outlining all the rules concerning cleaning the downstairs apartment we made for them, put it in writing that no pets were allowed, etc. DIL never got another job but decided to be a stay-at-home mom. They got a cat and sneaked around with it for a month before we knew they had it. They never cleaned or picked up the downstairs, and it became a disaster area and fire hazard. They did pay for a share of their utilities, but that was a very small stipend. My son commuted to work for almost that entire time without paying for gas. When they told us they were buying a second car, that was the final straw. We told them that, if they could afford a 2nd car on one income, they didn't need our help, and they needed to find their own apartment. Guess what? They found and bought a house on a low income loan program! "Kids" won't grow up until you stop enabling them. "Helping" depletes your household income, limits your much-earned vacations, makes you feel guilty for spending money on things you want, places you want to go, etc. It slows up your retirement contributions and uses up savings. And, NO, many of these "kids" will not help YOU when you are old and in need of help. Make the grow up.
      Don't keep them in the kiddie pen. They can work for what they need and want - just like mom and pop. And they can live close if they want to, but they need their own place and need to meet their own struggles. It's not a matter of not helping and not living them; it's a matter of pushing them out of the too comfortable nest mom and pop have made for them.

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  20. Just makin the best of it-our parenting style. Maybe we should just be drunk and that can be our parenting style.
    "As Sonya Ann would say, "yaaaaay" with a frowning face. 8-("- you forgot the part where we are cracking a bottle and crying.
    I guess we will always shore our kids up because of our background. I'll never let my kids down, I might tear their asses up but I'll always be here for them same as you. I wouldn't worry about your mental health as much as your liver.

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  21. As an adult child, I can't imagine asking my mom to let me move in because I've changed my mind on where I want to live/go to school. If she's not in school now and willing to move before having surgery, she ought to consider putting the house up for sale now. It would give her money to use to pay relocation expenses plus money to put back to pay for their portion of household expenses. As for college money...why can't she get college loans herself? That would keep you from having to delay/decrease your savings plans. As someone else said above, I would NOT let this change your timeline plans to move. I don't know what she's going to school for, but that should be a motivator for her to either be done with school or for them to have found a place and figure out how to make it on their own by that date.

    Of course, I'm still in awe that you are allowing the boyfriend to move in. I just don't see myself allowing a near stranger to live in my home. You are far more sweet than I am.

    T

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  22. Sluggy, you are doing the right thing. Don't let the crabbies get you down. Once daughter has her education she will have a much better chance at a successful life. This will not be easy, but it will be fine. Remember the advice you gave me about my darling daughter. I was very down when I cam to your house about that situation and it is fine now. This will work out. You are smart and she is your daughter.

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    1. There's Not a crabby on this board! Just lots of people with different opinions and life experiences. Isn't it great that people can swap tales? No need to poo poo them and call them names.

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  23. Wow - this is a juicy topic!! I'm on the other end of the stick - I can't get my daughter to move out for the first time! And she just lost another job. She doesn't lay around and moan and has an interview in a couple of days but I would so like to have my home to myself. She's untidy, though limits it to her room) but having her here (age 25.5) is really affecting what I wanted to be doing during retirement. Especially since I am the main caregiver to her two cats. I think this generation is really having a tougher time than our generation in some ways, but in other ways we have made them too comfy. It's tough finding the right balance.

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  24. Well, timely topic as my 22 yr old is moving back in tomorrow. Sigh.
    Unable to find full time work until July he gets a few hours a week working retail.
    Apparently my rules last fall were "so oppressive" he couldn't stay. Yes I was a tyrant that said 3 am was too late to come home during my workweek. I get up for work at 6. Don't be so inconsiderate.
    Then on his own, he didn't go out at all!! He could't afford it! Lol.
    He had a student loan that covered school and rent for 8 months. Now without steady income he likely can't pay rent or save any money for a newer car that he needs for his next year of school.
    So I'm looking at a minimum of 4 months. (Sounds like a prison sentence haha). Will know the end of May what his next school year entails.
    He's in a phase that he is soooo much wiser than I could ever aspire to be. Especially regarding all interpersonal communications. So conversation is painful.
    I'm really hoping this is only until August. I love him so much. But it is time for baby bird to fly from the nest.
    No advice, just empathy.

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  25. The DOG would be the straw that broke this camel's back. Maybe they could stay there two weeks while they got their own place.

    You have the money to rent them a little place. It is going to cost you monetarily either way. You could look at helping them with rent at first as your alternative to destroying your liver or checking yourself into a mental facility...lol. Either way, the DOG would not come. Good luck with this dilemma!

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